A Time to Mourn… again

Father in Heaven, please let these words serve as a growing tool for each one of us to grow spiritually. In Jesus name, Amen.

 

Hello from Florida folks! I am sitting here at another table writing these words listening to the crashing waves of the Gulf of Mexico. It’s a little cloudy right now but the sun is supposed to shine today.

Hmmm… that phrase makes me think of how life can be sometimes. I honestly was going to write something else (not sure what), but now that it hangs there… I think it fits.

 

Sometimes our lives look cloudy and like a storm is coming. Last year when I was down here, my dear childhood friend and “kid sister” was tragically taken from us do to a terrible accident. This year I am mourning once again but in a different way. This is more of a personal mourning. One that is a loss that only I am experiencing.

Two nights ago, my family and I all went out for dinner. We love this particular restaurant down here as it sits right on a canal and the sunset is a stunning backdrop to an evening out. Of course if the clouds are around, it defeats the reason for going there! However this night was lovely. But then my clouds came in.

 

There is an amount of independents that I’ll never have because of blindness. I’ve learned to accept this and live my life with the knowledge that I am not defined by independents or blindness or anything else like that. My vision has declined over the years, leaving me with just ten percent vision as of now but it hasn’t changed my level of independents all that much. I mean I never could drive so I didn’t have to give that up. I only started using a cane a couple of years ago and that hasn’t changed when or where I go out. So these kinds of things haven’t changed all that much.

 

Then, the other night at dinner, it happened. I stared down at my basket of Blackened Chicken and onion rings with a side of ‘slaw and realized I couldn’t really decipher the chicken from the onion rings. What did this mean? I… I couldn’t cut up my own chicken. My stomach turns even as I write that.

 

I tried but often began cutting part chicken, part onion ring or cutting far to big a piece of chicken or missing it all together. So my choices were to keep trying to do it on my own and make a fool of myself or choke on my own words while asking my husband to cut… my… food! Do you remember the last time someone had to cut up your food?

 

Now I realize that there are people who have always had to have someone not only cut their food, but physically feed them as well. I’m not trying to even come close to comparing my situation to theirs. But I can tell you that my brothers and sisters who have this as their daily reality, have felt grief over it at some point as well.

 

But when your disability is a thief who keeps robbing you of a little more and a little more at unannounced times, grieving will happen. Grieving for the death of one more thing you can’t do. Is this the end of me being able to even cut up my own food in a restaurant? Perhaps. So I will mourn this loss for a time.  But God’s word promises this…

 

Psalm 30:5 “For His anger is but for a moment and His favor is for a lifetime, weeping may terry for the night but joy comes with the morning.”  (ESV)

 

As God continues to move in my life, my joy will come in the morning. Perhaps it will also come in the “mourning” (grieving).

 

I grieve this loss like a death. A death of a part of myself. Blindness has taken yet another piece of me. But… I will have joy again! The kind of joy that isn’t found in worldly things or self-seeking expectations. No, this joy is the joy of the Lord. He has been opening some doors for me to possibly speak in a couple of places to educate people on how to properly engage with the disability community. As blindness plays the thief, I will play the advocate. As God allows and equips me to move forward in this, I will try and give back what disability takes from people.

 

The clouds may be hanging around right now but the “Son” (Jesus) will come out!

 

If you have clouds in your life right now, cling to the understanding that the sun will shine again. Cling to God’s promise that weeping is for a time but joy will come in the morning. Trust Him in the midst of the grief. Following Jesus doesn’t mean we will never experience grief but that when we do, He will walk us through it. Walk with Jesus and let Him lead you. Walk in faith… blind faith.

 

4 thoughts on “A Time to Mourn… again

  1. Thank you for this post Cindy and for sharing this intimate part of your life

    Thank you for the analogy that the clouds are looming for now but the Son will shine again

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    1. Hi sweet Annie! Good to hear from you. If sharing my difficult moments will be helpful for someone else to give them some hope, then the struggle is worth it! I hope you are well and leaning on the Lord 🙂

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  2. Miss C., this is one honest, raw, and compelling piece. Whether clouds enter your life, you have always found the sun and SON. The love of your supportive husband and families is proof that the sun/SON will always shine in your heart. Keep writing and inspiring!

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    1. Hi appleannie (Teach ;)) thank you for your kind words and I am so happy to have you at my table! I look forward to hearing from you again! Blessings to you and always look for the “Son” among the clouds!

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