Will you close the door and not look back?

Father in Heaven, let these words be real and honest and let them be bricks that build a pathway to You. In Jesus name, Amen.


It’s 12:45 a.m. Friday night/Saturday morning. My husband has been uncomfortable for days now. I feel a touch on my arm and hear his exhausted voice…


“I have to go to the ER, I can’t take this pain any more.”


He had been experiencing pain, numbness, and tingling in his neck and down his left arm for several days. He wasn’t able to sleep or get any relief that night and the only option was the emergency room at our local hospital.


Getting dressed and grabbing his keys, he told me he would call me when he knew something. This is when my frustration with not being able to drive comes in with force. My husband was hurting and tired and I couldn’t drive him to the hospital. No, I stayed home while he drove himself. We didn’t want to wake up our kids and all that, so I stayed and he went.


I dozed back off for what I thought was just a few minutes, thirty at most. Picking up my phone to check the time, it revealed that it was now 4:43 a.m.


Sitting up abruptly, I checked for a missed call or text… none. I quickly texted him and waited for the response. Mind swirling with thoughts of a possible heart attack, stroke, or anything that they would have rushed him into surgery for. It took only seconds to hear the jingle of my sleigh bell text tone I set for Christmas.


“Still waiting.” the text read. Slumping a little with relief yet exasperation, I replied with asking if they were really busy. He had said that they were but he should be next.


After about an hour and a half and a CT scan, they said he had a bulging disk between C6 and C7 vertebrae in his neck. This may require surgery. Under normal circumstances this would be inconvenient. But for my husband who is a master carpenter and heavy lifting is the name of the game… I feared he may not work again in this field he loves so much. How in the world would he… the sole provider, find another job at his age and at the same pay if he can’t work anymore?


My mind raced and my tears fell. I got out of bed and headed to the shower. I remembered standing in there eight months ago letting the shower spray mingle with my stream of tears as I mourned the loss of our family dream to move south and possibly put an end to the heavy lifting aspect of my husbands job.


Here I stood again, letting the water and tears flood my face. How would we do this? How could I make a career happen for myself and contribute to our family. As I strive and pray for my writing and speaking career to take shape, I wanted… needed it to happen over night. This is how I felt anyway. I asked God why we had to face such a life altering thing… again. I reflected on the year of 2019. We are coming to a close on this year and I spent a few minutes screenshotting all the things that had taken place.


We had;


Lost three friends, one of which was who I considered to be my own kid sister.


Two of our four pets died.


We had a fifteen year dream come true then come crashing down.


Both my parents had serious surgeries.


My daughter graduated.


We sold items we wouldn’t have sold, due to moving.


and many more things in between on a smaller, but not less impactful scale. I grouped my daughters graduation in there because this was bitter sweet for me. She is my baby. I now have adult children! This can be eye-opening and life-changing for a stay at home parent. It makes you think “what now?”


Now, I suppose, I can focus on my writing and speaking career. But then there is the  “Am I to old to try and start a career” way of thinking. So this in turn adds to the stress level and mental exhaustion.


Now I felt faced with no other choice but to push harder and harder to build this chosen career path.


My son took me up to the hospital where I sat with my husband who was now in observation and we waited for the next test to be done. This would be an MRI to get a better look at the situation. They couldn’t seem to get his pain under control and he tried various cocktails of pain medicines to regulate the pain but it took all day to do. My husband, I’ve learned, has an extremely high pain threshold. His pain stayed pretty much at a seven or and eight on the pain scale. So needless to say, I knew he was very uncomfortable. This, as many of you probably know, isn’t easy to watch. Your loved one being in pain.


But after some time up there in that hospital room, I began to feel the power of God. I just knew that whatever the test results revealed, we would remain in Gods’ protective embrace.


I knelt by my husbands bed while he slept and prayed over him. I asked God to do the unexplainable. I asked Him to take away what was causing the pain and restore my husband to health. I was then reminded of some church friends who are facing a life threatening diagnosis. The kind that needs Gods’ miraculous intervention. I praised God for however He was going to work this out.


Though this situation may be life changing, it isn’t life threatening. I knelt there pouring out my concerns to God, unashamed and unaware if anyone could see me. I felt, at first, a little nervous about kneeling and praying in case his nurse had to come in for meds or vitals. But I remembered the verse in Luke 9:26 which says,


“If anyone is ashamed of Me and My message, the Son of man will be ashamed of that person when He returns in His glory and in the glory of the Father and  the Holy Angels.”


I don’t want to ever be nervous about praying. I know it’s out of the norm sometimes, but if Jesus can take spikes in His hands and feet, thorns in His brow, and stripes on His back for me… I can handle being out of the norm for Him.


So as we bring in this new year, I’m going to be intentional about putting all of 2019 and it’s heartbreaks and disappointments behind me and look ahead. I want “2020” vision for this new year! I want to live bold and unashamed for Christ. With old wounds healing, and disappointments mending, I step forward into the plans God has for me and my family this year. My focus will be on joy and living the abundant life God promised in His word.


I will seek to move ahead with writing, speaking, and trying to be an inspiration wherever and however I can. Here’s to 2020 and all it has to offer! Happy New Year to all of you! XOXO


P.S. My hubby is home and doing better. More treatments to come but he is back to work and moving ahead. We will trust in the Lord and lean not on our own understanding. Much love from our table to yours!


4 thoughts on “Will you close the door and not look back?

  1. Thank you for sharing so openly Cyndi. 2019 was a rough year for us too. I needed this perspective and gentle reminder today.


    1. Tonya I’ve been thinking about you and your family… how have things been going since the storm? I pray we can all have a new perspective and clear vision in 2020. I can’t help but feel like one of the keys to this is to put away all the things that happened in 2019. If we bring old hurts, feelings, emotions, even good things that happened, into this… a new day, a new month, a new year, and a new decade… then it is a bit like dragging our train of cargo on to a runway and expecting it to fly. Look up and look forward my friend and lets face the new years goals and expectations together! Happy New Year!


    1. Thank you so much Ann. I hope your Christmas and New Years day were blessed. I pray you and I both can move ahead into 2020 with a positive outlook and creative thinking. Blessings sweet Annie!


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