Father in Heaven, you’ve impressed me with these words and so I ask now for You to reach who You had in mind. In Jesus name, Amen…
There have many times in my childhood and young adult life that I’ve pondered the possibilities for my life… if I wasn’t blind.
I had planned on entering the military to complete the circle of my Dad, Mom, and Brother all being in the armed services. I had envisioned myself as a Drill Sargent and whipping those young newbies into shape and teaching them all manner of respect. My kids say I would have been great in that position.
Giving honor to my family by following these forelayed footsteps was not to be. I would have been shoulder to shoulder with fellow soldiers… if I wasn’t blind.
I had wanted to be an airline Pilot for a brief stent. I pictured grabbing the speaker on the plane and announcing that this was Captain So and So speaking and familiarizing my passengers to the plan in case of an emergency landing.
Giving calming instructions as to how to place their own oxygen mask on before assisting other passengers. Yes, I wanted to have my pilots license… if I wasn’t blind.
I had wanted to be an Attorney for quite some time. In fact, that inclination is still there at times. I could see myself in a steller business suit and leather briefcase sauntering into the court room, whispers breaking out and saying “that’s the Attorney that’s never lost a case”. Fighting for the rights of the underdog. Changing unjust laws and making legal history.
I still like a good lawyer show. I had this dream for a time. My heart longed for it. I would have held exhibit A’s and read from other cases to prove my case… if I wasn’t blind.
Even now, I sit and wonder if I can pursue this writing dream. I know you don’t have to see to write well, but the process is so very different in todays world of publishing. Followers, subscribers, conferences, logos, graphics, research, computer usage, programs… and it just keeps going. I am eternally grateful for the technology that has been made and it obviously helps people like myself be a little more independent. But there are many steps in the writing journey that would be so very much more accessible… if I wasn’t blind.
But there is another side of my story that needs a voice. The side that says “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)
This side says that this world can have all the road blocks in front of me that it wants too, but God is bigger. This story says that the words on the blog or in any book project may not have the inspirational impact God wants it to have… if I wasn’t blind.
There are people who need to hear the truth of Gods love for them and they may not hear my words the same way… if I wasn’t blind.
My children and husband are the biggest part of my journey. Life took me in many directions before I found the right map that lead me to my family. The detour signs were abundant, but I may not have found the treasure map God handed me… if I wasn’t blind.
My heart is to give the disabled community a voice, some recognition for their contributions, a chance to be seen and heard as a valuable member of society. Jesus had a three-and-a-half-year ministry while on this earth and most of it involved those with various kinds of disabilities. This connects me to Jesus in a very special way in my heart and maybe this wouldn’t be so… if I wasn’t blind.
The struggles I face everyday makes me aware of how much I need Jesus. He is the only one who makes blindness bearable. I want to surrender my will to Him in everything. I don’t want to want to be seen and heard by man and that is hard to admit; that the opinions of others hold as much value as Gods. Not that I don’t value my readers opinions, certainly I value them greatly. But I shouldn’t hold them as closely as I do Gods.
It is obedience to Him that I want my heart to desire. Obedience alone. Not accolades, not publishing contracts, not book sales, just obedience to Gods calling. Even if no one ever read a word I wrote, I want my heart to swell with the satisfaction of writing for my Father in heaven to read.
Oh I want all of you to be blessed. I truly do! But as I wrestle in my mind of why I feel called to write, I find myself choosing some of the wrong reasons:
- Proving that people with disabilities can be valuable
- Proving to my family that I can do what seems unlikely
- Proving to myself that I have worth to spite my broken eyes
- Fulfilling a deep ache to be depended upon the way I have to depend on so many
- Showing the world that my disability has no bearing on my intelligence or capability on a given project
The list is longer but this covers most of it. I didn’t realize my desires were the reason my dream has been stagnant. My need to prove has proven that my focus is all wrong. My blindness isn’t my disability; it’s my inability to see.
I want God to open my spiritual eyes and really help me to see what He wants to do with my writing, with my ministry, with me.
Do you sometimes wonder what it is God is trying to do with your life, your ministry, your family, your job, or you?
Let’s examine these four questions:
- What is my reason for doing what I’m doing?
- Am I giving it the proper attention it needs?
- Does this have the potential to change a life (even if it’s just mine)?
- Would I continue doing this if no one ever saw the results but me and God?
These are questions I will be examining as well. I want my motives to be pure and I want that for you too. I want what I write to be heartfelt and genuine. What I’ve written has always been from my heart. But I want it to be from a heart that is always seeking the kingdom of God first, then it will always be a blessing for my readers.
God has us each in a place that we have the opportunity to best see Him. Maybe if you weren’t in the place you are, you wouldn’t be able to see or hear Him when He calls.
Maybe I wouldn’t have a desire to be a voice for the disabled and a small beacon of light for those trying to understand more about who God is… maybe I wouldn’t… if I wasn’t blind.