Father in Heaven, lead all of us in these words and let it be Your message. In Jesus name, Amen.
So here we are again. Thank you for returning to your reserved seat at the table. I want to share with you all, the “why oh why” moments of this journey. As I mentioned in the last post, I will use sensitivity and discernment in my words.
So we left off with Jeremy and I just coming to the resolution that our dream would stay just a dream. He would be returning home by the middle of the next week and we would take some time to morn and move forward from this terrible disappointment. Our kids were also disappointed, but since they could resume their lives as usual, complete with friends and prospects for new ones, they bounced back pretty quickly. I was grateful for that. I didn’t want my kids to feel the way I was feeling.
I remember standing in the shower one day and the water was streaming down. It was simply no match for my waterfall of tears. All the reasons for wanting this move flooded my mind as the shower and my tears flooded my face.
Images of pulling out my cane to use in public came to mind. Many of you know that I haven’t been overly comfortable using it in my outings. I’m fearful that someone I haven’t seen in a long time will see me using a cane and assume I’ve been “reduced” to having to use a white cane now. This would leave even more room for the pity train to pull on through and blow it’s whistle… loudly.
I heard in my mind the words of those who care for me, “do you want me to do that for you?”. Not ever wanting to hurt feelings, I would often step aside and let said person do what they thought I needed help with.
Always feeling like an habitual teenager asking for a ride to the mall, feeling like I’m burdening someone for said ride somewhere. Feeling like people see me as “disabled” in more then my blindness. The question was asked “whose going to take care of Cyndi?”, after we announced our plans.
Being overlooked in areas I would like to be involved with because someone assumes I won’t be able to do it or isn’t willing to possibly pick me up to do it. Being asked repeatedly if I need help.
Now don’t misunderstand me. I appreciate everyone’s concerns for my well being. This is part of the struggle of having a disability. You kind of fight to have independence. Though that fighting leaves you exhausted and depleted. It is a cycle that keeps on cycling.
Moving to Florida had been our dream for over fifteen years for many reasons:
Starting a new life
Using my cane in front of people who never knew I hadn’t been using it
and many other reasons that would take up far to much space.
I began reading the book of Job.Now I’ve read Job many times, but I wanted to really READ it. I took note of something interesting.
Job has forty-two chapters, thirty-five of them are filled with Jobs lamenting, frustrations, tears, depression, and alike. He had lost almost everything:
But there were those who survived. (See Job chapter 1)
With each calamity that happened, someone said “and only I escaped to tell you”. He also retained three specific friends and his wife. We don’t hear much about his wife though. She simply told her husband to give up on God and die. Pretty harsh huh? I’ll do another post about Mrs. Job another time.
I found it fascinating That God just let Job morn for thirty-five chapters. No telling him “ok, ok, that’s enough”. No “how dare you question Me”. No “I hope you’ve learned your lesson now”. Nope, God allowed him time to grieve.
Job was a just and upright man. Many people scratch their heads at why this sort of thing happened to him. But make no mistake, even though Job was a Godly man, he was terribly confused and grieved by what had taken place. He questioned why he had ever been born.
Job 3:1 After this, Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth.
That gives you a pretty good idea of how depressed he was. Even though I didn’t lose my children or my livelihood all in a matter of moments, I did lose what felt like my whole future in a matter of days. I was confused as to why God would answer this long awaited prayer only to have it come crashing down.
I had been very honest with God in telling Him that my response would not be pretty if the answer to our prayer to move was “No”. I told Him I would be upset, I would cry, I would probably question why. But ultimately I wanted His will to be done.
I would get over all those emotions in a short amount of time. I truly wanted Gods will because He sees all things and would see how this could not be the best thing for us. He has the telescope and I do not. I trust His answers.
But this… this I just didn’t understand. I fell to my knees and wept aloud. “I don’t understand this!” I wailed. “I asked You to close this door along time ago if it was going to be a bad thing!”
My tears soaked my pillow, my words poisoned the air, my thoughts were consumed with the loss of our dream. It was simply too much. I had lost my neighbor, I had lost my dear friend, I had lost pets, I had been separated from my husband for almost a month, not to even mention anything else I was struggling with in my family. Hurtful words, surprising realizations, the list is long. All within a matter of just a few short months. It was just too much!
I was wounded, I was bleeding, I was shaken to my core. I wanted to know why God was asking me to go through all of this… again. I felt like I had been through enough and He should just answer my prayer for this dream to come true. I wanted answers as to why He yanked back our answered prayer!
Have you ever felt like this? Like God was being unfair? Have you just wanted to know why? Oh how these feelings plagued me, and if I’m being honest, still want to creep into my thoughts now and then.
Come back to your reserved seat again next week and I’ll share some lessons I’ve been learning from all of this. I am thinking about having a separate day for the recipes. Perhaps like Foody Friday or something like that. I would love your thoughts on that and any other thoughts you have.
Until next week my lovely readers, stay in Gods word and always seek His face.