I am so over this… I think

I have been evaluating my mobility, expectations of myself, what’s realistic for me… that kind of thing. For most of my life, I have wanted and tried to keep up with everyone else— figuratively and literally. If my friends were running to their next class, I wanted to run with them, no matter if it was safe for me to do or not. I didn’t want to be left behind. If my friends were all driving, then I wanted to try it too. No matter if was safe for me to do or not. I didn’t want to be left behind. If my friends were playing hide and seek in the dark (and I do mean DARK), I wanted to play it too. Even though it wasn’t safe for me to do… well… you know what comes next.

I just wanted to fit in with how everyone else was doing life. Even as an adult, I never wanted to use my cane out in public for fear of standing out from everyone else. I could hear the whispers before they even happened. You know the ones, “oh wow, look at that… she’s blind”, or “oh I feel so sorry for her”, or my personal favorite, “I could never go out in public if I was blind”. Mind you, these comments were not actually said to me, I just knew somehow that they would be. I did hear phrases like “what are you blind or something?” if I cut someone off in a grocery store isle. I’ve heard “Are you trying to smell that item?” when I’ve had to put something REALLY close to my face to see it.

-Just a little side note in case you are a new reader… I have 10 percent vision so I do see a little bit-

I have had people tell me how sorry they are that I’m blind. I’ve had people tell me they couldn’t do it. I’ve had people say how awful it must be to be blind. All those things and more. This didn’t exactly give me a lot of oomph to be using my cane and draw more attention to my blindness. The people who say how awful it must be or how sorry they are for me, really don’t mean to sound cruel or disrespectful in any way. I’m sure most of them are simply expressing sympathy for my situation. But this leads to feelings of being broken in some way.

But I can’t keep trying to keep up with other people. My blindness does not permit me to walk as swiftly as others do. I must be mindful of my steps to prevent me getting injured. The reality is that I would probably get much more of the “I feel so sorry for you” if I was trying to keep up and fell down a flite of stairs, as opposed to taking my time, using my cane, and walking with more grace and confidence. Don’t we all rush to much anyway? This is an adjustment for me in many ways. Slowing down is just necessary but not easy. I never wanted to be different from other people. I wanted to be as competent as anyone else. Slowing down was not proving that I could be. Not in my mind anyway. I just wanted to be like everyone else! But I’ve learned that I’m not meant to be like everyone else. Neither are you!

Psalm 139:14 says “I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

This use of the word “fearfully” means respectfully— reverently! Isn’t that cool? God made you with the upmost respect and reverence. Wonderfully means extremely well. You are extremely well made my friend! And so am I. Don’t we want to purchase things that are extremely well made? Don’t we honor things that are made with reverence and respect? Guess what? You have been bought, you are honored because you are well made and with respect. Jesus bought both of us with His very blood. Bet ya won’t find that on Amazon!

If I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I should be very careful with God’s merchandise huh? I am so over trying to keep up… I think. It’s a road I am traveling with Jesus. Maybe you’re on a road too? No matter what has happened… YOU ARE fearfully and wonderfully made! Will you pray for my journey? Will you let me pray for yours?

Now, may I offer you something to eat?

This is my kids’ favorite part of fall baking. My banana bread…

10-31

1 ¾ cups unbleached flour

1 ¼ tsp. baking powder

1 ½ tsp. baking soda

¾ tsp. salt

2/3 cup sugar

1/3 cup butter flavored shortening (you can substitute 1 stick of real butter) softened

2 eggs

2 Tbl. Cream (half & half)

Splash of vanilla

3-4 very ripe bananas

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt together in medium bowl. With electric mixer, beat softened shortening or butter together with sugar in large bowl. Add eggs, cream and vanilla, beat well. Add dry ingredients slowly to sugar mixture. Add smashed bananas and beat together. Pour into greased loaf pan (3 x 9). Bake for 50 minutes or until tooth pick inserted in center comes out clean.

Tip- parchment paper is the way to go on this if you have it. Easy clean up and keeps the bottom from getting to overdone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “I am so over this… I think

  1. Cyndi, yes, Sweet Friend, I will pray for you. And thank you for your offer to pray for me: our daughter was recently diagnosed with photosensitive epilepsy and we are in the middle of figuring out all the things she can still do and the things that are now dangerous for her to do. Your prayers for her and for our family as we navigate this new territory would be greatly appreciated. May God bless you Cyndi!

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    1. Hi Tonya, Yes I for sure will be praying for you as parents and for your daughter as she adapts to this new way of life. And that is what it is… a new way of life. She will learn how to do the things she loves to do while still being in a safe environment. Don’t let her give up on all the things she loves because of this. Encourage her to find ways to adapt to doing them. Help her to find those ways. It’s not easy to do, I know. But it’s important that she not retreat into herself and stop living life. You will get through this! I’m always here to help if I can. Advice, prayers, resources…what ever I can help with. Blessings to you my friend.

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