Ok folks… it’s time to take the gloves off. I’m about to get real with y’all. I’m also about to get real with myself. I have talked a number of times here on the blog about my blindness. Well what I haven’t talked that much about is the anger that goes with it. James 4:1-2 says “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have so you murder. You covet and not obtain so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask.”
Now these verses are referring to worldly possessions, but in my situation, I feel like it applies. What causes fights? Usually anger is present when we fight, is it not? Anger rises up in me when I can not do what I long to do because of my disability. Still after all these years it rises up. Anger is like a lighted match. If you get it to close to something or someone, it will burn it or them. If we are not careful, it can consume that thing or that person. This can result in the murdering of their spirit. My anger from my disability flares up most when I have to rely on other people to do things for me. If they can not do it, I’m immediately angry. Not at them but at my disability. But never the less, the match has been stricken. See a fire doesn’t care about what it burns, only that it burns. I can touch that flame of anger to a situation in my life or a person in my life. It will burn either one or both.
I quarrel because I do not have. I do not have the ability to go somewhere on my own. I do not have the vision to see what activities my kids are doing. I do not have the ability to take my kids shopping or anywhere for that matter, without burdening someone else. That flame of anger sparks to more then a flame when to many of these types of things happen to close together. Sometimes it feels like I’ve gone through an entire box of matches in one week. I’ve yelled at my kids, I’ve snapped at my husband, I’ve backed out of commitments, I’ve just completely shut down.
What I want to have, I cannot have. The freedom to live independently. However, this is not the fault of my children, my husband, my parents, or my God. It is the result of one individual who wants not only my destruction but for me to pass that destruction on to my family. This individual need not any lip service in this blog entry… I believe you know who is being referred to. I do not have because I do not ask. I have to admit that I pray often for my vision to be healed. I pray often for my disability to be used to honor God. I pray often that I can help others through my disability. But I don’t pray often for God to give me peace about where I am in my life. I don’t use my cane in public (or anywhere for that matter) out of some stress about being a spectacle. I don’t make it obvious that I have any sort of vision loss for the fear of being pitied or worse, people thinking I couldn’t do what they might have asked me to do if I wasn’t legally blind. I will admit to you that I hate being legally blind. But I do not have the peace because I do not ask. I want the peace of being ok where I am. I don’t want to have my life or my family go up in flames because of my anger towards my blindness.
This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever admitted to but sometimes I am jealous of my kids and husband because they can do all the things I wish I could do. Don’t get me wrong! I would never want any of them to go through blindness! But that doesn’t stop me from envying their independence. My son has had his license for a few years now and my daughter will be trading her permit in for a license soon. They are getting their wings to fly and I am so grateful that they are. But I sometimes feel envious because my wings have been clipped. My husband works so hard to provide for his family and feels so good when he does that. He is so gifted in so many ways and he uses those God given gifts to provide for us. I have to watch him work long hours, watch him painfully get out of bed some mornings, watch him drag himself home at night after a 14-hour day, and I can do nothing to help him. My hope and prayer is that I will be successful in my writing to be able to help him carry some of the load. I pray my writing is successful so my kids have a mom they can be proud of and not one they remember as being angry about what she couldn’t do. Father God I plead with You to grant me Your peace about my blindness. Lord take the anger and make it go far away. Lord help me to extinguish the flames that I’ve already stricken the matches for. I do not want to be quarrelsome, Lord I want to be kind. Give me peace Father. Amen.
If there is anger in your life about a situation that you cannot change, friends I implore you to get on your knees (even if it is only in your mind due to paralysis) and plead with God to give you peace. Not as the world gives, but as only He can give. Pray the prayer above with me and let’s make the road to freedom from anger together.